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1. Bone Thugs – Harmony?!? That’s Earth Wind but Fire’s too busy producing Water’s new solo album.
2. Devin The Dude has done songs with Snoop Dogg. I have one of his albums. He has a viable career. What the hell is he doing at a bar called Marlintini’s? In Juneau?
3. Fun fact: Juneau is the only U.S. state Capitol only accessible by air or sea. In other words, cars, snow machines and even 4-wheelers are useless here…

Image  —  Posted: June 23, 2012 in Popular Articles
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Don’t Be That Guy: DMB Edition

Posted: October 11, 2011 in Uncategorized

Don’t be that guy. I’m talking about guys who listen to the Dave Matthews Band on purpose. This was your choice? Honestly, even Dave Matthews would think that’s weird. His music is very specifically written for women. His lyrics are for women. His melodies are for women. Young college women. Consider these lyrics:

· I wish that I could climb inside your mind and spend some time and hug and hold you.

· And I come into you, and I come into you.

· Kiss me oh won’t you kiss me now, and sleep I would inside your mouth.

· Lovely lady, let me drink you, please. Won’t spill a drop, no, I promise you.

· I’m mixing up a bunch of magic stuff, a magic mushroom cloud of care.

I Don't Listen To The Dave Matthews Band


Hey Nate:

Thanks for your note! I have spots open all the time.  You are welcome to attend & perform.  I’d love to have you out.  Bring 5 mins of prepared material & 2 guests  & you’re on.  9 PM start – get there around 8:30ish.

It’s fashioned after Open-Mic nights in L.A., Chicago, New York and other major cities…

1.) Potential comics sign up with me in advance via e-mail to perform at a scheduled show.

2.) You then take time to promote your appearance,  making tweets, e-mails, telephone calls, Facebook updates etc.  YES – you MUST promote your appearance at the show, to help get people out to watch! 10+ comics generally sign-up and perform.  Pro’s drop in & do time.  It’s a fun show.

The gig is a 2 person “bringer” – so if you drag out 2 non-comedian friends to sit in the audience & watch – I will put you on stage.  When everyone does that – the room is packed & it rocks!  The more folks you can bring out, the happier the bar owner is, & the more often I can put you on stage.  Help me build some traffic in the room on a Monday night & I will help you get on stage to build out your act.  Sound fair?

Personally, I hate performing with a lot of ‘comics’ in the room.  It sucks (like most ‘open mics’ do) – other acts are not real “audiences” – they don’t laugh at any jokes & they are too caught up in their own  acts to make a good “audience” for anyone else – so no one gets true audience feedback to new material.

That’s why I ask each performer to bring 2 ‘punters’ – i.e. BFF’s, relatives – neighbours –  someone – co-workers… (not fellow comics) to sit in the audience and support you & the other acts, (i.e. by watching the entire show), in  exchange for you getting your 5 – 7 mins of stage time.

There is no cover charge & no ‘drink  minimums’.  When you bring 2 guests with you, (and everyone else on the show does) all of the acts can get honest audience response to their material… & we have a real ‘crowd’ on a Monday night.  When all that falls into place, it’s really a good venue for telling jokes & working out bits.  Without that – it’s not so much fun.  I need you to do your part.

That’s the deal with this open mic room.

Those who bring no (ZERO) guests, but still show up & ask me for stage time really don’t get what I am trying to accomplish.  The show is produced by a comedian, for comedians.  I do not make money on this show, and in fact have spent money on prinitng & promotion. I want it to be the best open mic experience possible, for both novices and working professionals.

Show up with just your set list in hand, having made no effort to promote your appearance – & without any supporters out to watch you, you may lose your performance slot.  Help me get butts in seats & in exchange I will help you build out your act.

Why do I need to bring people?

Comedy without a real audience isn’t comedy, it’s some kind of freaky bad poetry. I encourage you to invite lots of people to your show.

Let’s be honest, the more people you bring to support you, the better you will feel during your set & the better audience response you will get to your jokes.  They will thank you for inviting them, and they’ll look forward to seeing you perform again!

So to be clear – stage time preference is given to those performers that bring 2 ‘punters’ (non comedian friends) to the gig, & who support all the acts by watching the entire show. (If you are a friend-less orphan, or from out of town, I understand it can be tough to get folks out, when all your folks are in a different city).

Some new acts are hesitant to try to get their freinds / family to come & don’t want their friends to see their “unpolished” acts… In reality – it’s hard to get strangers out to see an ‘open mic’ show (you are not famous, & no one has heard of you – or me).  We don’t “draw” the public out – but you will be a big “draw” for your friends & family – who will want to see you on stage & help support your budding comedy career) so work ’em all over to attend the show that you are performing on.

How do you promote?

Use Facebook, Twitter, e-mails, phone calls, & word of mouth.  It’s your show, you should be  pumping it up like crazy!  Also, as early as possible, (a month out is a good starting point). Give your guests / people plenty of “lead time” to plan to attend.  Also if you are on FACEBOOK, add me as  a friend and become a fan of my page – I will do the same for you!

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Russell-Roy/226193720758043

If you are new to the Open Mic game, here are some Open Mic Guidelines to follow:  If you are an open mic veteran – you probably already know all these things & don’t need me to tell you… but once in a while crazy people show up – and cause chaos, so here goes:

1. Stay WITHIN your time limit. If you get “the light” – you must quickly wrap it up. Remember, it is not a sin for you to go UNDER your allotted 5 min. time.  (I don’t generally light anyone – but once in a while… I have to.)

2. NEVER tell the audience they suck. They might suck, but it’s probably YOUR MATERIAL & YOUR ACT that is sucking it.  They showed up & they want to have a good time.  They probably really want you to succeed.

So do your best & give it a good effort.  Try to make them laugh. Don’t bail out on a smallish audience.

3. The patrons that did show up want to hear jokes & have fun, so DON’T PISS THEM OFF!  Your objective should be to make them LAUGH.  My objective is to try out my new material, help the bar make some money (& stay in business) & keep our show running.  I don’t want performers to ‘walk the patrons’ from the room because of really offensive material or horrible attitudes.

4. If one of your bits is continually failing, LOSE IT. Employ the “three strikes – it’s out of the act” rule.

5. In order to leave a “good audience” for your next performer, don’t end your set on really vulgar or crude material. It’s difficult to follow. If you do that, you are creating a hole for the next guy to dig himself out of.

6. **MY PET PEEVE** Don’t chat loudly at the back of the room/socialize during another act’s set.  Pay attention to the person on  stage, and after the show ends – offer positive, constructive  evaluations.  Leave the room if you need to talk to your pals, or be on your phone / text.  Loud ‘table talk’ is distracting to those  seated around you – who are trying to follow someones carefully worded jokes, and enjoy the show.  Hopefully, they will show you the  same consideration when you are on stage.  Be  professional.

7. TRY TO END YOUR SET ON A BIG  LAUGH.

Also be aware: all stage time is precious, so use it productively.  Bring 5 mins of rehearsed bits – ad-libbing (spritzing / improv) i.e. ‘talking to the crowd’ rarely works at Open       Mics.

A. Avoid doing racist, sexist or homophobic material (especially if it is mean-spirited).  This is a restaurant, not a  comedy club.  Stolen material is, of course, unacceptable.  This  will get you “the light”.  You won’t be welcome to return.

B. Set length is five (5) minutes, seven (7)  minutes if you are killing it, MAXIMUM. “The light” may go on when its time for you to WRAP IT UP.  Going long (i.e. failure to stay within your allotted time limit) will piss everyone off & make you far less  popular when you want to re-book with me for future spots!

Consideration for available slots is given as  follows:

1. First to visiting professional comedians  &
2. to new performers who bring TWO or MORE guests

If  you blow off right after your spot & distract the crowd as you leave the
room, with loud & long winded good byes to your buds…(hugging folks,
high fives etc.), expect a pretty cold reception to your next request for more stage time.  Don’t be rude to the person who is on stage & performing.  The act on stage needs the audience to focus on them –  not to focus on on you, as you leave.

This room runs like a Co-Op… so please be considerate of the act who is on stage & trying to   get some laughs.  Don’t distract the audience.  If an act is on stage, please leave the room quietly & discreetly if you absolutely have to.

Thanks for your cooperation & a bigger thanks to all of you who already know all these things (& don’t have to be told).  You guys make running this night fun.

Russell Roy

Image courtesy of Russelroy.com & Sympatico.ca


It's not just Time Warner, they all suck. Period, end of story.

1. There would only be one pizzeria per city and lobbyists would pay politicians thousands of dollars to keep it that way.
2. You could only order one kind of pizza but you can choose the size.
3. Unfortunately, all pizzas now come with all 65 ingredients, no substitutions allowed and the vast majority of them taste disgusting.
4. Complaining about how you do not like ingredients such as green onions or cottage cheese on your pizza is useless. Stock answer from Charter-Pizza-to-go: “We want to offer our customers the greatest variety possible and ala carte pricing would hurt the diversity of our product. If we do not put things like powdered sugar or peach salsa on our pizzas, no one would ever try eating them. This hurts the businesses that make these ingredients.”
5. If you want to set up pizza delivery, you have to do a major credit card security deposit and the pizza companies can only guestimate as to when the delivery person will actually show up at your house. 1 out of 3 times, they never show up at all. Weathermen are more accurate than these clowns are.
6. Even if you are busy and do not have time all month to sit down and eat the gross pizza, you still have to pay for it. You can eat other food of course but pizza is a subscriber model only. Did I mention late payment fees?
7. When you cancel pizza delivery service, you have to return all the pizza company stuff to the pizzeria’s branch office. It is in the middle of nowhere with cushy hours that would make a banker jealous. If you do not return the pizzeria equipment this way, a $250.00 fine lowers your credit score. (Mailing it does not count.)
8. You hear crazy stories like how your cousin switched to DiGourno’s after the pizza place insisted he lived somewhere he did not because, well, that is where the computer says he lives. And we all know computers do not ever make mistakes, right? Or the one about your brother who lost his house in a tornado but the pizza company still charged him the full $500 for the lost/destroyed pizza equipment and dinged his credit anyways. Act of God, right?
9. Pizza delivery prices increases from month to month, often with little warning and zero justification.

10. I am sure you probably have read about cities in Europe and Asia where they have two, three or even more pizza delivery options. Not only that, the foreign competitor model is cheaper. Even better, you just simply call them up whenever you feel like it! What a novel concept! One shot deal, no pre-pays or subscriptions necessary. In addition, some of these progressive pizzerias even sell packages with items like wings or breadsticks included. You could say this is Adam Smith’s invisible hand of free market capitalism at work.  Nevertheless, complaining about any of this will immediately brand you an anti-business communist/terrorist sympathizer, at best. Now, eat your nasty ass pizza and shut up!


Locust Lecture Dead At 6

After 6 1/2 years of proving music still hurts, I am sad to report the Minneapolis-based radio show Locust Lecture will broadcast it’s last episode tonight at 10-12 PM CST. As a co-creator of the show at Radio K with the University of Minnesota Twin Cities campus, it’s more than a little depressing to see it go.

Of all the wonderful things I was apart of in Murderapolis, Locust Lecture is inarguably what I am most proud of. Currently hosted by DJ Either/Or, Fuzzy Christ, TK1 and Evil Intern Lemmy, there is without a doubt no show like it past present and future included. Characters like Edel Hardcore, Archibald Winterbottom and Ian Docherty. Skits like “Poetry Of The Damned” and “Robots With Tears.”

I challenge anyone to find a playlist featuring new tracks by Mastodon, Mouse On Mars, Venetian Snares & Gay Witch Abortion in a row. The goal was always to be as abrasive as humanly possible and we were if nothing else consistent in that mission statement. The first song we played was “Dead Babies” by Alice Cooper and the last song tonight is rumored to be “I Hate You” by Electric Wizard. I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way.

The reason was as I understand it the new programming/news coach Sarah L.and/or other pro staff changed the policy allowing specialty show alumni to stay on the air as long as there was a student co-host. This change happened last month and because the student co-host can’t run the show solo over the summer, the show is cancelled.

TK1 told me he is talking to Evan P., CEO of Fancy Pants Gangsters Netcast Network, to see if the show could be picked up. TK1 says he plans to grab as much digital archives as he can. The music library we amassed and curated will stay in studio, I plan on paying Zach J. whatever he needs to keep the website up and running.

The radio frequencies are 770 AM, 106.5 FM and 100.7 FM in the Twin Cities metro but you can also listen online at radiok.org or listen on your iPhone by downloading the free Public Radio Player app from the iTunes app store. To learn more about the show, please visit locustlecture.org

My favorite comic strip

Posted: February 26, 2011 in Popular Articles
Tags:


Deceptively simple, highly underrated.

2010 in review

Posted: February 21, 2011 in Uncategorized

The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

Healthy blog!

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Minty-Fresh™.

Crunchy numbers

Featured image

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 2,200 times in 2010. That’s about 5 full 747s.

In 2010, there were 19 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 35 posts. There were 9 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 380kb. That’s about a picture per month.

The busiest day of the year was December 15th with 24 views. The most popular post that day was Why I Don’t Work At The Hotel Anymore & Why I’m Not With Deb Anymore.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were facebook.com, en.wordpress.com, tips-tools-tutorials.com, twitter.com, and cordless-homephone.info.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for caps lock, am i pretentious quiz, capslock, john mayer guitar face, and nathan hall ipswich.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

1

Why I Don’t Work At The Hotel Anymore & Why I’m Not With Deb Anymore December 2010

2

Happy Birthday Abey Baby! February 2010

3

18 Signs That I Am A Pretentious Tool (According To Details Magazine) September 2009

4

What Everyone Else In The World Named Nathan Hall Is Up To January 2010

5

While You Were Sleeping (Another List About Lists) November 2009