All-Female Rock Tribute Bands

Posted: April 11, 2014 in Uncategorized

Semi-Decent Names Already Taken

Lez Zeppelin
The Iron Maidens
Malice Cooper
Mistress Of Reality (Black Sabbath reference, FYI)
Cheap Chick
Vag Halen
Judas Priestess
The Ramonas
Hell’s Belles (AC-DC reference, duh)

Worst Of The Worst
Aerochix (Too minivan-ish)
Allison Chains (assumably not to be confused with the porn star)
The She-Tles (methinks it sounds too much like the Shitty Beatles)
Ziggy Starlet and the Spiders from Venus (Male Cover Bands Are From Mars)
Iron Madame (So, like the audio equivalent of a medieval torture device popular during the Inquisition?)
Judith Priest (Too nursing home-esque)
Queen Diamond (Not an democratically-elected position)
The Minks (RIYL The Kinks, making P.E.T.A. upset, early period John Waters)
KISSES (Knights In Satan’s Service Entrepreneurial Society)
Fem Zeppelin (Try again.)
Hammer Of The Broads (One of those cases where it’s their word, it’s only ok if they call each other that; it’s empowering if they own it, I guess.)
Ladies Zeppelin (Ladies Room Zeppellin suck, or so I’ve heard)
Moby Chick (Whenever possible, avoid names referencing a 17-minute Herman Melville drum solo)
Zepparella (Is Jane Fonda attached to the project?)
Zeppelina (All Lazy Don Bluth References Go To Hell)
The Die Die My Darlings (I just made this one up right now, but I’m betting it’s being formed the instant I hit the Publish button.)
The MissFits (Can the logo please be Danzig getting punched in the face?)
Ms. Fits (Danzig apparently got divorced)
The Nuns (Ohhh…The Monks…yeah, I get it now…)
Queens Of Queen (Drag Queen Monarchies in England never have any real political power, it’s still just a ceremonial title.)
The Femones (Pheremones…better yet Ferremonies)
The Hormones (You’re not even trying at this point, are you?)
The Romanes (Those who misspell lettuce varieties are…ummm…doomed to repeat it?)
Tap This (Why not make original parodies of Weird Al Yankovic tunes? The mind reels…)
TurbonegrA (This Just In: Racism Lite doesn’t make you “provocative,” just kinda sad.)
Girls Girls Girls (Was Strip Club already copyrighted?)

The Van Halen One I Secretly Wish I Had Thought Of First
She-Ruption (They were into squirting before it was cool.)

Just Found 2 Other Total Randos, As The Kids Say Nowadays
Harptallica (The topper – from Lousiana)
Holy Divah! (What exactly the exclamation point indicate? Oh! Calcutta! The Informant! Etc!)

I’ve got to go find me some hot chick musicians that know how to half-decently play mid-period Tom Waits ballads before somebody else beats me to the punch.


“I, too, dislike it: there are things that are important beyond all
this fiddle.
Reading it, however, with a perfect contempt for it, one
discovers in
it after all, a place for the genuine.
Hands that can grasp, eyes
that can dilate, hair that can rise
if it must, these things are important not because a

high-sounding interpretation can be put upon them but because
they are
useful. When they become so derivative as to become
the same thing may be said for all of us, that we
do not admire what
we cannot understand: the bat
holding on upside down or in quest of something to

eat, elephants pushing, a wild horse taking a roll, a tireless wolf
a tree, the immovable critic twitching his skin like a horse that
feels a
flea, the base-
ball fan, the statistician–
nor is it valid
to discriminate against ‘business documents and

school-books’; all these phenomena are important. One must
make a distinction
however: when dragged into prominence by half poets, the
result is not poetry,
nor till the poets among us can be
‘literalists of
the imagination’–above
insolence and triviality and can present

for inspection, ‘imaginary gardens with real toads in them’, shall
we have
it. In the meantime, if you demand on the one hand,
the raw material of poetry in
all its rawness and
that which is on the other hand
genuine, you are interested in poetry.”

Marianne Moore (November 15, 1887 – February 5, 1972 / Kirkwood, Missouri)

Quote  —  Posted: August 24, 2012 in Uncategorized
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  1. Joke workshops
  2. Craigslist free stuff section – Buy one-get one free coupons – I posted that I was giving away 10 x single tickets to the first people to email with the subject header “standup.” I found it was a good way to do outreach to people who might not otherwise see live performance. When I corresponded about the tickets, I invited people to email after the show and share feedback; I got some nice feedback. Moreover, at the venue, after the show you can try to sweet talk them so they feel a personal connection and come back again in subsequent weeks.
  3. You could also go to workplaces in your area and offer blocks of tickets for groups of five or more. Office buildings, school staff rooms, swimming pool staff, restaurant staff, etc.
  4. At each event, maybe mention a password that will give a $2 discount for subsequent weeks
  5. Have a punch card, “attend 3 nights, get the 4th free.”
  6. After work summer barbeque
  7. Maybe each week’s ticket/hand stamp is an entry into a larger drawing for the end of the summer.
  8. You could have a lot of fun with gag prizes each week. Do one for the biggest group, or the person who came from the furthest distance. Do some trivia.
  9. Make it more of a “league” by doing challenges each week. Maybe one week is the all sports joke week, and the next is that every comedian has to use the prop of the emcee’s choice in his/her act (ooh prop comedy, edgy), and then the next week is all impersonations…you get the drift. People could vote at the end of the night and whoever gets the most votes wins. You could do it nightly or cumulatively.
  10. Collaborate with local businesses to do tradeoffs of services. Raffles in between comedians, free breadsticks at the pizza place down the block with your comedy ticket/stub/hand stamp, the works. The other places probably feel the economic pinch just like you.
  11. A free first drink would get me to show up.
  12. Text all of your friends.

*Please Note: these are all answers I originally found on the website ask.metafilter when I typed in “ideas on promoting standup comedy shows.” These are just the highlights I found the most useful.*Image


1. Bone Thugs – Harmony?!? That’s Earth Wind but Fire’s too busy producing Water’s new solo album.
2. Devin The Dude has done songs with Snoop Dogg. I have one of his albums. He has a viable career. What the hell is he doing at a bar called Marlintini’s? In Juneau?
3. Fun fact: Juneau is the only U.S. state Capitol only accessible by air or sea. In other words, cars, snow machines and even 4-wheelers are useless here…

Image  —  Posted: June 23, 2012 in Popular Articles
Tags: , , , , ,

Don’t Be That Guy: DMB Edition

Posted: October 11, 2011 in Uncategorized

Don’t be that guy. I’m talking about guys who listen to the Dave Matthews Band on purpose. This was your choice? Honestly, even Dave Matthews would think that’s weird. His music is very specifically written for women. His lyrics are for women. His melodies are for women. Young college women. Consider these lyrics:

· I wish that I could climb inside your mind and spend some time and hug and hold you.

· And I come into you, and I come into you.

· Kiss me oh won’t you kiss me now, and sleep I would inside your mouth.

· Lovely lady, let me drink you, please. Won’t spill a drop, no, I promise you.

· I’m mixing up a bunch of magic stuff, a magic mushroom cloud of care.

I Don't Listen To The Dave Matthews Band

Hey Nate:

Thanks for your note! I have spots open all the time.  You are welcome to attend & perform.  I’d love to have you out.  Bring 5 mins of prepared material & 2 guests  & you’re on.  9 PM start – get there around 8:30ish.

It’s fashioned after Open-Mic nights in L.A., Chicago, New York and other major cities…

1.) Potential comics sign up with me in advance via e-mail to perform at a scheduled show.

2.) You then take time to promote your appearance,  making tweets, e-mails, telephone calls, Facebook updates etc.  YES – you MUST promote your appearance at the show, to help get people out to watch! 10+ comics generally sign-up and perform.  Pro’s drop in & do time.  It’s a fun show.

The gig is a 2 person “bringer” – so if you drag out 2 non-comedian friends to sit in the audience & watch – I will put you on stage.  When everyone does that – the room is packed & it rocks!  The more folks you can bring out, the happier the bar owner is, & the more often I can put you on stage.  Help me build some traffic in the room on a Monday night & I will help you get on stage to build out your act.  Sound fair?

Personally, I hate performing with a lot of ‘comics’ in the room.  It sucks (like most ‘open mics’ do) – other acts are not real “audiences” – they don’t laugh at any jokes & they are too caught up in their own  acts to make a good “audience” for anyone else – so no one gets true audience feedback to new material.

That’s why I ask each performer to bring 2 ‘punters’ – i.e. BFF’s, relatives – neighbours –  someone – co-workers… (not fellow comics) to sit in the audience and support you & the other acts, (i.e. by watching the entire show), in  exchange for you getting your 5 – 7 mins of stage time.

There is no cover charge & no ‘drink  minimums’.  When you bring 2 guests with you, (and everyone else on the show does) all of the acts can get honest audience response to their material… & we have a real ‘crowd’ on a Monday night.  When all that falls into place, it’s really a good venue for telling jokes & working out bits.  Without that – it’s not so much fun.  I need you to do your part.

That’s the deal with this open mic room.

Those who bring no (ZERO) guests, but still show up & ask me for stage time really don’t get what I am trying to accomplish.  The show is produced by a comedian, for comedians.  I do not make money on this show, and in fact have spent money on prinitng & promotion. I want it to be the best open mic experience possible, for both novices and working professionals.

Show up with just your set list in hand, having made no effort to promote your appearance – & without any supporters out to watch you, you may lose your performance slot.  Help me get butts in seats & in exchange I will help you build out your act.

Why do I need to bring people?

Comedy without a real audience isn’t comedy, it’s some kind of freaky bad poetry. I encourage you to invite lots of people to your show.

Let’s be honest, the more people you bring to support you, the better you will feel during your set & the better audience response you will get to your jokes.  They will thank you for inviting them, and they’ll look forward to seeing you perform again!

So to be clear – stage time preference is given to those performers that bring 2 ‘punters’ (non comedian friends) to the gig, & who support all the acts by watching the entire show. (If you are a friend-less orphan, or from out of town, I understand it can be tough to get folks out, when all your folks are in a different city).

Some new acts are hesitant to try to get their freinds / family to come & don’t want their friends to see their “unpolished” acts… In reality – it’s hard to get strangers out to see an ‘open mic’ show (you are not famous, & no one has heard of you – or me).  We don’t “draw” the public out – but you will be a big “draw” for your friends & family – who will want to see you on stage & help support your budding comedy career) so work ’em all over to attend the show that you are performing on.

How do you promote?

Use Facebook, Twitter, e-mails, phone calls, & word of mouth.  It’s your show, you should be  pumping it up like crazy!  Also, as early as possible, (a month out is a good starting point). Give your guests / people plenty of “lead time” to plan to attend.  Also if you are on FACEBOOK, add me as  a friend and become a fan of my page – I will do the same for you!

If you are new to the Open Mic game, here are some Open Mic Guidelines to follow:  If you are an open mic veteran – you probably already know all these things & don’t need me to tell you… but once in a while crazy people show up – and cause chaos, so here goes:

1. Stay WITHIN your time limit. If you get “the light” – you must quickly wrap it up. Remember, it is not a sin for you to go UNDER your allotted 5 min. time.  (I don’t generally light anyone – but once in a while… I have to.)

2. NEVER tell the audience they suck. They might suck, but it’s probably YOUR MATERIAL & YOUR ACT that is sucking it.  They showed up & they want to have a good time.  They probably really want you to succeed.

So do your best & give it a good effort.  Try to make them laugh. Don’t bail out on a smallish audience.

3. The patrons that did show up want to hear jokes & have fun, so DON’T PISS THEM OFF!  Your objective should be to make them LAUGH.  My objective is to try out my new material, help the bar make some money (& stay in business) & keep our show running.  I don’t want performers to ‘walk the patrons’ from the room because of really offensive material or horrible attitudes.

4. If one of your bits is continually failing, LOSE IT. Employ the “three strikes – it’s out of the act” rule.

5. In order to leave a “good audience” for your next performer, don’t end your set on really vulgar or crude material. It’s difficult to follow. If you do that, you are creating a hole for the next guy to dig himself out of.

6. **MY PET PEEVE** Don’t chat loudly at the back of the room/socialize during another act’s set.  Pay attention to the person on  stage, and after the show ends – offer positive, constructive  evaluations.  Leave the room if you need to talk to your pals, or be on your phone / text.  Loud ‘table talk’ is distracting to those  seated around you – who are trying to follow someones carefully worded jokes, and enjoy the show.  Hopefully, they will show you the  same consideration when you are on stage.  Be  professional.


Also be aware: all stage time is precious, so use it productively.  Bring 5 mins of rehearsed bits – ad-libbing (spritzing / improv) i.e. ‘talking to the crowd’ rarely works at Open       Mics.

A. Avoid doing racist, sexist or homophobic material (especially if it is mean-spirited).  This is a restaurant, not a  comedy club.  Stolen material is, of course, unacceptable.  This  will get you “the light”.  You won’t be welcome to return.

B. Set length is five (5) minutes, seven (7)  minutes if you are killing it, MAXIMUM. “The light” may go on when its time for you to WRAP IT UP.  Going long (i.e. failure to stay within your allotted time limit) will piss everyone off & make you far less  popular when you want to re-book with me for future spots!

Consideration for available slots is given as  follows:

1. First to visiting professional comedians  &
2. to new performers who bring TWO or MORE guests

If  you blow off right after your spot & distract the crowd as you leave the
room, with loud & long winded good byes to your buds…(hugging folks,
high fives etc.), expect a pretty cold reception to your next request for more stage time.  Don’t be rude to the person who is on stage & performing.  The act on stage needs the audience to focus on them –  not to focus on on you, as you leave.

This room runs like a Co-Op… so please be considerate of the act who is on stage & trying to   get some laughs.  Don’t distract the audience.  If an act is on stage, please leave the room quietly & discreetly if you absolutely have to.

Thanks for your cooperation & a bigger thanks to all of you who already know all these things (& don’t have to be told).  You guys make running this night fun.

Russell Roy

Image courtesy of &

It's not just Time Warner, they all suck. Period, end of story.

1. There would only be one pizzeria per city and lobbyists would pay politicians thousands of dollars to keep it that way.
2. You could only order one kind of pizza but you can choose the size.
3. Unfortunately, all pizzas now come with all 65 ingredients, no substitutions allowed and the vast majority of them taste disgusting.
4. Complaining about how you do not like ingredients such as green onions or cottage cheese on your pizza is useless. Stock answer from Charter-Pizza-to-go: “We want to offer our customers the greatest variety possible and ala carte pricing would hurt the diversity of our product. If we do not put things like powdered sugar or peach salsa on our pizzas, no one would ever try eating them. This hurts the businesses that make these ingredients.”
5. If you want to set up pizza delivery, you have to do a major credit card security deposit and the pizza companies can only guestimate as to when the delivery person will actually show up at your house. 1 out of 3 times, they never show up at all. Weathermen are more accurate than these clowns are.
6. Even if you are busy and do not have time all month to sit down and eat the gross pizza, you still have to pay for it. You can eat other food of course but pizza is a subscriber model only. Did I mention late payment fees?
7. When you cancel pizza delivery service, you have to return all the pizza company stuff to the pizzeria’s branch office. It is in the middle of nowhere with cushy hours that would make a banker jealous. If you do not return the pizzeria equipment this way, a $250.00 fine lowers your credit score. (Mailing it does not count.)
8. You hear crazy stories like how your cousin switched to DiGourno’s after the pizza place insisted he lived somewhere he did not because, well, that is where the computer says he lives. And we all know computers do not ever make mistakes, right? Or the one about your brother who lost his house in a tornado but the pizza company still charged him the full $500 for the lost/destroyed pizza equipment and dinged his credit anyways. Act of God, right?
9. Pizza delivery prices increases from month to month, often with little warning and zero justification.

10. I am sure you probably have read about cities in Europe and Asia where they have two, three or even more pizza delivery options. Not only that, the foreign competitor model is cheaper. Even better, you just simply call them up whenever you feel like it! What a novel concept! One shot deal, no pre-pays or subscriptions necessary. In addition, some of these progressive pizzerias even sell packages with items like wings or breadsticks included. You could say this is Adam Smith’s invisible hand of free market capitalism at work.  Nevertheless, complaining about any of this will immediately brand you an anti-business communist/terrorist sympathizer, at best. Now, eat your nasty ass pizza and shut up!