If Cable Companies Delivered Pizza

Posted: July 11, 2011 in Popular Articles
Tags: , ,

It's not just Time Warner, they all suck. Period, end of story.

1. There would only be one pizzeria per city and lobbyists would pay politicians thousands of dollars to keep it that way.
2. You could only order one kind of pizza but you can choose the size.
3. Unfortunately, all pizzas now come with all 65 ingredients, no substitutions allowed and the vast majority of them taste disgusting.
4. Complaining about how you do not like ingredients such as green onions or cottage cheese on your pizza is useless. Stock answer from Charter-Pizza-to-go: “We want to offer our customers the greatest variety possible and ala carte pricing would hurt the diversity of our product. If we do not put things like powdered sugar or peach salsa on our pizzas, no one would ever try eating them. This hurts the businesses that make these ingredients.”
5. If you want to set up pizza delivery, you have to do a major credit card security deposit and the pizza companies can only guestimate as to when the delivery person will actually show up at your house. 1 out of 3 times, they never show up at all. Weathermen are more accurate than these clowns are.
6. Even if you are busy and do not have time all month to sit down and eat the gross pizza, you still have to pay for it. You can eat other food of course but pizza is a subscriber model only. Did I mention late payment fees?
7. When you cancel pizza delivery service, you have to return all the pizza company stuff to the pizzeria’s branch office. It is in the middle of nowhere with cushy hours that would make a banker jealous. If you do not return the pizzeria equipment this way, a $250.00 fine lowers your credit score. (Mailing it does not count.)
8. You hear crazy stories like how your cousin switched to DiGourno’s after the pizza place insisted he lived somewhere he did not because, well, that is where the computer says he lives. And we all know computers do not ever make mistakes, right? Or the one about your brother who lost his house in a tornado but the pizza company still charged him the full $500 for the lost/destroyed pizza equipment and dinged his credit anyways. Act of God, right?
9. Pizza delivery prices increases from month to month, often with little warning and zero justification.

10. I am sure you probably have read about cities in Europe and Asia where they have two, three or even more pizza delivery options. Not only that, the foreign competitor model is cheaper. Even better, you just simply call them up whenever you feel like it! What a novel concept! One shot deal, no pre-pays or subscriptions necessary. In addition, some of these progressive pizzerias even sell packages with items like wings or breadsticks included. You could say this is Adam Smith’s invisible hand of free market capitalism at work.  Nevertheless, complaining about any of this will immediately brand you an anti-business communist/terrorist sympathizer, at best. Now, eat your nasty ass pizza and shut up!

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