Today’s post is written in honor of Abraham Lincoln’s birthday, who would have turned 201 today if he hadn’t been murdered by John Wilkes Booth in 1865 and was also secretly a Highlander and/or vampire. Is there a more appropriate way for me in which to celebrate the life of America’s 16th President than by posting funny links on a blog? If that’s wrong then I don’t want to be right. Stop the world: I want to get off.

Drugs 1, Eddie Van Halen 0

  • “Since we started the free distribution of sexual stimulants, our elderly population changed. They’re much happier,” said Joao de Souza Luz, the mayor of Novo Santo Antonio, a small town in the central state of Mato Grosso.
  • “With our technology we could spray a condom on an erect elephant,” he declared, not without a hint of pride.
  • Walrus masturbating in the zoo. Pretty much self explanatory.
  • Worst karaoke performance of Pretender’s “Brass In Pocket” in, like, the history of ever. Totally, dude. Totally.
  • Very nice, Borat, very nice indeed!
  • The short lived cartoon “Sit Down And Shut Up” had so many “Arrested Development” alumni it almost qualified as a sequel of sorts. (Mitch Hurwitz, Will Arnett, Jason Bateman, Henry Winkler, etc.) Emphasis on the phrase “sort of.”
  • Finally, something worth taking the time to look up on your new IPhone!
  • Would you care for a *&^%$#@! apple pie with that today, ma'am?

  • This joke is only funny if you remember the supernatural surfing workplace comedy “John From Cincinatti.” In other words, no one else will get it except for me and maybe John.
  • Anna Chlumsky from “Uncle Buck” and “My Girl” is all growed up now and I’m already head over heels in lust. Mmmmmmmmmmmm! *licking lips*
  • Apologies if you’ve already seen these two before which you probably have but these are by far the most superior remixes for the Slap Chop and Snuggie ads on the market today. Stop eating boring tuna, throw away your ratty old robes and start dancing already!
  • Is it a contradiction that I love “The Wire” but never ever want to visit Baltimore, MD? Yes, and I’m at peace with that.
  • Upon retrospect, perhaps in an alternate universe under different circumstances “Tell Me You Love me” could have been my generation’s “Thirtysomething: The Porno.”
  • I keep mixing up J.J. Abram’s “Fringe” and Joss Whedon’s “Doll House.” Is it just me or was this done on purpose? I’m gonna go ahead and wager it’s a little bit from Column A and a little bit from Column B. I have yet to see an episode of either show so if any of you lovely people out there in teh Interweb Tubez who read my blog have, please let me know if either of them are any good because I can’t really tell from their respective intriguing-but-vague trailers.
  • Jerry Stahl of “Permanent Midnight” fame got his start writing screenplays for adult films like “Cafe Flesh,” which features a cameo from none other than Mr. Lincoln himself?!? (Eww!) Who knew? Also, this also kinda helps explain his surreal scripts for “A.L.F.,” “Twin Peaks” and “Moonlighting.” Well, and the heroin addiction probably factored in quite a bit too I’m sure. The awesome movie version of Stahl’s tell-all-auto-biography features Ben Stiller, Maria Bello, Owen Wilson, Elizabeth Hurley, Fred Willard, Art Alexakis and Janeane Garafalo. Not to mention a cameo from Stahl himself as a doctor and some viciously hilarious Cybill Shepherd jokes. Highly recommended.
  • “I want to squirt on you!” —Brandon Davis to Courtney Love. Not exactly the smoothest pick up line of the decade, even for the skanky likes of women like the former Mrs. Cobain.

    Prepare yourself.

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