· I wish that I could climb inside your mind and spend some time and hug and hold you.

· And I come into you, and I come into you.

· Kiss me oh won’t you kiss me now, and sleep I would inside your mouth.

· Lovely lady, let me drink you, please. Won’t spill a drop, no, I promise you.

· I’m mixing up a bunch of magic stuff, a magic mushroom cloud of care.

I Don't Listen To The Dave Matthews Band

Thanks for your note! I have spots open all the time.  You are welcome to attend & perform.  I’d love to have you out.  Bring 5 mins of prepared material & 2 guests  & you’re on.  9 PM start – get there around 8:30ish.

It’s fashioned after Open-Mic nights in L.A., Chicago, New York and other major cities…

1.) Potential comics sign up with me in advance via e-mail to perform at a scheduled show.

2.) You then take time to promote your appearance,  making tweets, e-mails, telephone calls, Facebook updates etc.  YES – you MUST promote your appearance at the show, to help get people out to watch! 10+ comics generally sign-up and perform.  Pro’s drop in & do time.  It’s a fun show.

The gig is a 2 person “bringer” – so if you drag out 2 non-comedian friends to sit in the audience & watch – I will put you on stage.  When everyone does that – the room is packed & it rocks!  The more folks you can bring out, the happier the bar owner is, & the more often I can put you on stage.  Help me build some traffic in the room on a Monday night & I will help you get on stage to build out your act.  Sound fair?

Personally, I hate performing with a lot of ‘comics’ in the room.  It sucks (like most ‘open mics’ do) – other acts are not real “audiences” – they don’t laugh at any jokes & they are too caught up in their own  acts to make a good “audience” for anyone else – so no one gets true audience feedback to new material.

That’s why I ask each performer to bring 2 ‘punters’ – i.e. BFF’s, relatives – neighbours -  someone – co-workers… (not fellow comics) to sit in the audience and support you & the other acts, (i.e. by watching the entire show), in  exchange for you getting your 5 – 7 mins of stage time.

There is no cover charge & no ‘drink  minimums’.  When you bring 2 guests with you, (and everyone else on the show does) all of the acts can get honest audience response to their material… & we have a real ‘crowd’ on a Monday night.  When all that falls into place, it’s really a good venue for telling jokes & working out bits.  Without that – it’s not so much fun.  I need you to do your part.

That’s the deal with this open mic room.

Those who bring no (ZERO) guests, but still show up & ask me for stage time really don’t get what I am trying to accomplish.  The show is produced by a comedian, for comedians.  I do not make money on this show, and in fact have spent money on prinitng & promotion. I want it to be the best open mic experience possible, for both novices and working professionals.

Show up with just your set list in hand, having made no effort to promote your appearance – & without any supporters out to watch you, you may lose your performance slot.  Help me get butts in seats & in exchange I will help you build out your act.

Why do I need to bring people?

Comedy without a real audience isn’t comedy, it’s some kind of freaky bad poetry. I encourage you to invite lots of people to your show.

Let’s be honest, the more people you bring to support you, the better you will feel during your set & the better audience response you will get to your jokes.  They will thank you for inviting them, and they’ll look forward to seeing you perform again!

So to be clear – stage time preference is given to those performers that bring 2 ‘punters’ (non comedian friends) to the gig, & who support all the acts by watching the entire show. (If you are a friend-less orphan, or from out of town, I understand it can be tough to get folks out, when all your folks are in a different city).

Some new acts are hesitant to try to get their freinds / family to come & don’t want their friends to see their “unpolished” acts… In reality – it’s hard to get strangers out to see an ‘open mic’ show (you are not famous, & no one has heard of you – or me).  We don’t “draw” the public out – but you will be a big “draw” for your friends & family – who will want to see you on stage & help support your budding comedy career) so work ‘em all over to attend the show that you are performing on.

How do you promote?

Use Facebook, Twitter, e-mails, phone calls, & word of mouth.  It’s your show, you should be  pumping it up like crazy!  Also, as early as possible, (a month out is a good starting point). Give your guests / people plenty of “lead time” to plan to attend.  Also if you are on FACEBOOK, add me as  a friend and become a fan of my page – I will do the same for you!

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Russell-Roy/226193720758043

If you are new to the Open Mic game, here are some Open Mic Guidelines to follow:  If you are an open mic veteran – you probably already know all these things & don’t need me to tell you… but once in a while crazy people show up – and cause chaos, so here goes:

1. Stay WITHIN your time limit. If you get “the light” – you must quickly wrap it up. Remember, it is not a sin for you to go UNDER your allotted 5 min. time.  (I don’t generally light anyone – but once in a while… I have to.)

2. NEVER tell the audience they suck. They might suck, but it’s probably YOUR MATERIAL & YOUR ACT that is sucking it.  They showed up & they want to have a good time.  They probably really want you to succeed.

So do your best & give it a good effort.  Try to make them laugh. Don’t bail out on a smallish audience.

3. The patrons that did show up want to hear jokes & have fun, so DON’T PISS THEM OFF!  Your objective should be to make them LAUGH.  My objective is to try out my new material, help the bar make some money (& stay in business) & keep our show running.  I don’t want performers to ‘walk the patrons’ from the room because of really offensive material or horrible attitudes.

4. If one of your bits is continually failing, LOSE IT. Employ the “three strikes – it’s out of the act” rule.

5. In order to leave a “good audience” for your next performer, don’t end your set on really vulgar or crude material. It’s difficult to follow. If you do that, you are creating a hole for the next guy to dig himself out of.

6. **MY PET PEEVE** Don’t chat loudly at the back of the room/socialize during another act’s set.  Pay attention to the person on  stage, and after the show ends – offer positive, constructive  evaluations.  Leave the room if you need to talk to your pals, or be on your phone / text.  Loud ‘table talk’ is distracting to those  seated around you – who are trying to follow someones carefully worded jokes, and enjoy the show.  Hopefully, they will show you the  same consideration when you are on stage.  Be  professional.

7. TRY TO END YOUR SET ON A BIG  LAUGH.

Also be aware: all stage time is precious, so use it productively.  Bring 5 mins of rehearsed bits – ad-libbing (spritzing / improv) i.e. ‘talking to the crowd’ rarely works at Open       Mics.

A. Avoid doing racist, sexist or homophobic material (especially if it is mean-spirited).  This is a restaurant, not a  comedy club.  Stolen material is, of course, unacceptable.  This  will get you “the light”.  You won’t be welcome to return.

B. Set length is five (5) minutes, seven (7)  minutes if you are killing it, MAXIMUM. “The light” may go on when its time for you to WRAP IT UP.  Going long (i.e. failure to stay within your allotted time limit) will piss everyone off & make you far less  popular when you want to re-book with me for future spots!

Consideration for available slots is given as  follows:

1. First to visiting professional comedians  &
2. to new performers who bring TWO or MORE guests

If  you blow off right after your spot & distract the crowd as you leave the
room, with loud & long winded good byes to your buds…(hugging folks,
high fives etc.), expect a pretty cold reception to your next request for more stage time.  Don’t be rude to the person who is on stage & performing.  The act on stage needs the audience to focus on them -  not to focus on on you, as you leave.

This room runs like a Co-Op… so please be considerate of the act who is on stage & trying to   get some laughs.  Don’t distract the audience.  If an act is on stage, please leave the room quietly & discreetly if you absolutely have to.

Thanks for your cooperation & a bigger thanks to all of you who already know all these things (& don’t have to be told).  You guys make running this night fun.

Russell Roy

Image courtesy of Russelroy.com & Sympatico.ca

It's not just Time Warner, they all suck. Period, end of story.

1. There would only be one pizzeria per city and lobbyists would pay politicians thousands of dollars to keep it that way.
2. You could only order one kind of pizza but you can choose the size.
3. Unfortunately, all pizzas now come with all 65 ingredients, no substitutions allowed and the vast majority of them taste disgusting.
4. Complaining about how you do not like ingredients such as green onions or cottage cheese on your pizza is useless. Stock answer from Charter-Pizza-to-go: “We want to offer our customers the greatest variety possible and ala carte pricing would hurt the diversity of our product. If we do not put things like powdered sugar or peach salsa on our pizzas, no one would ever try eating them. This hurts the businesses that make these ingredients.”
5. If you want to set up pizza delivery, you have to do a major credit card security deposit and the pizza companies can only guestimate as to when the delivery person will actually show up at your house. 1 out of 3 times, they never show up at all. Weathermen are more accurate than these clowns are.
6. Even if you are busy and do not have time all month to sit down and eat the gross pizza, you still have to pay for it. You can eat other food of course but pizza is a subscriber model only. Did I mention late payment fees?
7. When you cancel pizza delivery service, you have to return all the pizza company stuff to the pizzeria’s branch office. It is in the middle of nowhere with cushy hours that would make a banker jealous. If you do not return the pizzeria equipment this way, a $250.00 fine lowers your credit score. (Mailing it does not count.)
8. You hear crazy stories like how your cousin switched to DiGourno’s after the pizza place insisted he lived somewhere he did not because, well, that is where the computer says he lives. And we all know computers do not ever make mistakes, right? Or the one about your brother who lost his house in a tornado but the pizza company still charged him the full $500 for the lost/destroyed pizza equipment and dinged his credit anyways. Act of God, right?
9. Pizza delivery prices increases from month to month, often with little warning and zero justification.

10. I am sure you probably have read about cities in Europe and Asia where they have two, three or even more pizza delivery options. Not only that, the foreign competitor model is cheaper. Even better, you just simply call them up whenever you feel like it! What a novel concept! One shot deal, no pre-pays or subscriptions necessary. In addition, some of these progressive pizzerias even sell packages with items like wings or breadsticks included. You could say this is Adam Smith’s invisible hand of free market capitalism at work.  Nevertheless, complaining about any of this will immediately brand you an anti-business communist/terrorist sympathizer, at best. Now, eat your nasty ass pizza and shut up!

Locust Lecture Dead At 6

After 6 1/2 years of proving music still hurts, I am sad to report the Minneapolis-based radio show Locust Lecture will broadcast it’s last episode tonight at 10-12 PM CST. As a co-creator of the show at Radio K with the University of Minnesota Twin Cities campus, it’s more than a little depressing to see it go.

Of all the wonderful things I was apart of in Murderapolis, Locust Lecture is inarguably what I am most proud of. Currently hosted by DJ Either/Or, Fuzzy Christ, TK1 and Evil Intern Lemmy, there is without a doubt no show like it past present and future included. Characters like Edel Hardcore, Archibald Winterbottom and Ian Docherty. Skits like “Poetry Of The Damned” and “Robots With Tears.”

I challenge anyone to find a playlist featuring new tracks by Mastodon, Mouse On Mars, Venetian Snares & Gay Witch Abortion in a row. The goal was always to be as abrasive as humanly possible and we were if nothing else consistent in that mission statement. The first song we played was “Dead Babies” by Alice Cooper and the last song tonight is rumored to be “I Hate You” by Electric Wizard. I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way.

The reason was as I understand it the new programming/news coach Sarah L.and/or other pro staff changed the policy allowing specialty show alumni to stay on the air as long as there was a student co-host. This change happened last month and because the student co-host can’t run the show solo over the summer, the show is cancelled.

TK1 told me he is talking to Evan P., CEO of Fancy Pants Gangsters Netcast Network, to see if the show could be picked up. TK1 says he plans to grab as much digital archives as he can. The music library we amassed and curated will stay in studio, I plan on paying Zach J. whatever he needs to keep the website up and running.

The radio frequencies are 770 AM, 106.5 FM and 100.7 FM in the Twin Cities metro but you can also listen online at radiok.org or listen on your iPhone by downloading the free Public Radio Player app from the iTunes app store. To learn more about the show, please visit locustlecture.org

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Minty-Fresh™.

Crunchy numbers

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 2,200 times in 2010. That’s about 5 full 747s.

In 2010, there were 19 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 35 posts. There were 9 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 380kb. That’s about a picture per month.

The busiest day of the year was December 15th with 24 views. The most popular post that day was Why I Don’t Work At The Hotel Anymore & Why I’m Not With Deb Anymore.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were facebook.com, en.wordpress.com, tips-tools-tutorials.com, twitter.com, and cordless-homephone.info.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for caps lock, am i pretentious quiz, capslock, john mayer guitar face, and nathan hall ipswich.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

Why I Don’t Work At The Hotel Anymore & Why I’m Not With Deb Anymore December 2010

Happy Birthday Abey Baby! February 2010

18 Signs That I Am A Pretentious Tool (According To Details Magazine) September 2009

What Everyone Else In The World Named Nathan Hall Is Up To January 2010

While You Were Sleeping (Another List About Lists) November 2009

I am a standup comedian. I get to say that now; I was always careful
to avoid that exact phrase (though it may have slipped out from time
to time). I have always preferred to say that “I do standup comedy.”
Why the change? 1) I’m getting paid now and 2) I’m completely
miserable.

I am getting paid now, though perhaps only in a matter of speaking. I
make twenty-five dollars a set. It costs me ten dollars and three
hours to get there, round-trip. So I net fifteen dollars for six hours
of time. True, I can write off the travel expenses, but given that my
projected annual income for 2004 is approximately thirty-seven dollars
and twenty-three cents, I highly doubt I’ll be itemizing my taxes.

In the past, I refused to call myself a standup comedian until I was
paid. That’s just obnoxious. Just because I shoot hoops at the Y
doesn’t mean I can introduce myself as a “basketball player”. It’s
like all the “actors” you meet in New York City.

“What do you do?”
“I’m an actor.”
“Really? What have you been in?”
“I was an extra in an independent short film three years ago.”
“Oh, so you’re a waiter.”

If you ever meet a comic, and he tells you wonderful comedy is, and
how passionate he is, and how it’s his “destiny” and “purpose for
being,” punch him. Hard. Because he is an “open miker.” And open
mikers suck. But, Vince, weren’t you an open miker? Yes, perhaps, at
one point. I have certainly done open mikes. But I was never an “open
miker”. “Open mikers” do open mikes not for auditions or to try new
material, but simply because they can’t even perform for free. Think
about that. Spend three years developing a five-minute act, and it is
still so bad that everyone says, “I can’t listen to this guy for less
than five bucks and a drink.” Open mikers go to open mikes and do
their same boring act, on the off chance that, “Hey, maybe this joke
will work the 237th time I tell it.” And then they send tapes to
bookers, and stand in line for eight hours for “Last Comic Standing”
and the Aspen Comedy Festival. And any comic with any talent trying to
be found simply gets lost in the shuffle (and I’m referring to people
significantly further along the ladder than myself), or dies of
exposure on the sidewalk in front of Stand Up New York.

But because “open mikers” only do open mikes, they’re not exposed to
the business end of comedy. They only perform for their fellow open
mikers, and they get to harbor the dream that one day a booker will
just happen to walk into an open mike in a pizzeria in the East
Village (hey, it happens all the time) and say, “Hey, kid – you’re
going to be a star!”
Debating whether to keep ranting about this… Still debating… OK,
moving on…wait…moving on. Honest. Don’t go. Come back. Finish
reading. It gets better. I promise.

Where is this coming from? Well, I’ve spent four shows MCing at the
Comedy Cabana here in Myrtle Beach. I’ve done about thirty-five
minutes total, and about twenty-five minutes of material (in other
words, I haven’t repeated much). And I’ve struggled. I haven’t bombed,
and the club owner seems happy (road clubs don’t expect much from
emcees) but those who have seen me up north would be standing in the
back with me saying, “God, I thought you’d do better than that.” Me
too, mon frer. I’ve tried nearly every joke in my repertoire. Jokes
that kill in New York flop here. Jokes that kill on Monday night get
three chuckles on Tuesday. And then the fat drunk in the back who damn
near gave me a standing ovation on the way in tonight decides that
four minutes into my set is a good time to start arguing with his
girlfriend, out loud. (Honest. She left in tears five minutes into the
second act’s set. The fat drunk got out of his chair, nearly fell
over, and walked out of the club. I spent the entire taxi ride home
hoping to see his car embedded into a telephone pole.

It’s frustrating as hell. It’s frustrating when you know that a joke’s
funny, when you know that doing three minutes about your crazy
girlfriend and then saying, “I don’t really have a girlfriend,” has
gotten you applause breaks from twenty-person crowds, but gets six
people out of 140 to laugh hysterically, because the rest of the crowd
just doesn’t get it. You begin to question everything – your material,
your delivery, your stage presence, your clothes, the fact that you
haven’t shaved in two days (seriously), even the very existence of a
God (maybe that’s exaggerating a bit). You certainly begin to question
the intelligence of the average person. You question when when people
in this country became so sensitive that they moan at jokes which
offend imaginary people (my joke) and heroin users (the feature’s).
The business is a struggle, and that’s why open mikers maintain their
innocence, and why comics are often stereotyped (often correctly) as
bitter, insecure, and even angry. When you take a sixteen-hour round
trip, door to door, to Boston from New York to do eight minutes, and
the host grabs you on your way up and says, “You’re only doing five,”
it hurts. When you move to a new city, and leave messages on answering
machines and with managers about how you live here now and have a
decent act, and no one returns your calls, it’s annoying. When you
finally get the booker on the phone, and he says he hasn’t watched
your tape because he gets nearly a hundred calls a week from comedians
(those damn open mikers again), it’s frustrating. And when you finally
get your chance, and you’re dying to get on stage again, and just
roll, and you get sidetracked by things out of your control, like fat
drunks and stupid audiences and guest sets and broken air-conditioning
systems (the AC went out on Wednesday night; it was hysterical. 150
people packed into a small room in South Carolina in late June with no
A/C. It was 85 degrees in the room; everyone in the audience spent the
whole show fanning themselves with their menus. I put soaking wet,
cold towels up on the stage for the three comics to use, since we were
pouring sweat just standing in the back. I walked on stage, and said,
“Welcome to the Comedy Cabana. God, it’s freezing in here.” Audience
laughed; not sure about the owner. Anyway, again), it’s humbling.

That’s the best word to describe this business: humbling. Every time
you convince yourself that you’re going to make it, that you’re really
as good as that little part of your ego thinks you are, you get
knocked down a peg. And you smack yourself in the forehead, and think,
“Damn, I knew that was going to happen.” And you drive yourself back
to work, researching comedy clubs and bus schedules, and see that guy
you used to work with in New York, featuring at a club in North
Carolina, and you know that you’re better than him, on your worst day.
But you’ll just have have to wait.
There is some good news, though. I just saved a bunch of money on my
car insurance. (Oh, Jesus, you didn’t just do that joke. You worthless
hack.) And tomorrow, I’ve got two sets. Fifty bucks. And I can’t wait
because I know, that, finally, I’ll kill. Even better, there was a
time, less than two years ago, when I sent my friends and family a
mass email about a bringer show in New York City. And everyone
laughed, and made comments (myself included), and I tried to figure
out how the hell I was going to pull it off, and I don’t think anyone,
not even me, in my wildest dreams, ever believed that I would ever get
to write the following:

I am a standup comedian.

Vince Martin (recoveringyankee.com)

While I was in training for my new position at the Anchorage store, the manager of the hotel I was staying at approached me to apply for a winter management job. The hotel hired me on the condition I quit REDACTED immediately, which I did reluctantly.

9-21: REDACTED when they hired me promised me $400 a week plus board plus $150 a week in bonuses contingent upon the completion of my contract on 2-1-11.

Approximately the day after I was hired, I was informed that I would only be paid $340 a week unless I slept in a bunk bed in an 8-man shared hostel room. I was also informed the $150 bonus would only be awarded if I completely sold out the hotel every week of the winter contract. I was also informed the hotel was for sale.

They never signed my I-9 or W-4 even though I repeatedly asked them to and verbally hired me, never on paper.

The owner REDACTED and manager REDACTED flew to REDACTED 2 weeks after I was hired and left me in charge of the 26-room hotel as well as 3 employees who lived on site. After they left, I was informed that all hours I worked before they left were “training wages” and would only be paid minimum wage for those hours.

The $150 stipend allotted once a month for repairs and supplies did not begin to cover the expenses of maintaining the hotel. When I informed them over the phone that they needed to comply with fire codes and other relevant state laws, they stated I would have to pay for it myself out of my own pocket. I kept the receipts for tax and legal purposes.

As a salaried on-site employee, I always worked in excess of 50 to 60 hours a week and never signed any paperwork agreeing to these overages. I was encouraged on multiple occasions to have staff work off the clock uncompensated on their time sheets for training.

I was on call 24/7 and was not compensated for my cell phone bill in any way despite numerous phone calls, voice mails, emails, and text messages I received from REDACTED her queries immediately, she would call the phone in my hotel room until I picked up whether I was asleep or not. Despite on numerous occasions insisting that discussions happen on the clock during normal business hours, she declined to honor the original work hours we agreed to.

During my employment, I was heavily encouraged to sublet an apartment in REDACTED owned by REDACTED and rented by REDACTED during my time off. (The hotel contract was 3 months on, 3 months off.) I refused. The owner also approached me about collaborating with him on a non-profit hotel venture that would allow him to elude paying Alaska bed hotel taxes. Since the profits of the hotel currently funneled to REDACTED, a financially insolvent REDACTED based REDACTED relief agency, I declined this offer as well.

After two of my employee’s checks bounced repeatedly, it came to my attention that the hotel had been in foreclosure since March. REDACTED owes over $40,000 in back taxes and the apartment complex I also collected rent on is in foreclosure for $20,000 in unpaid back taxes. There are multiple open financial judgments against him in the Alaska court system with mentions of bankruptcy. The bank at any moment now reserves the right to seize the property, which would result in employees immediately evicted, homeless and unemployed with no health insurance.

After consulting with REDACTED, a lawyer with REDACTED here in Anchorage, I resigned immediately on 11-22 and put the keys in the safe, moved out and left. My supervisors have not left REDACTED, leaving three part-time on site employees who cannot open the safe and thus no ability to pay myself my final paycheck or themselves.

I faxed, emailed and sent them a certified letter asking them for my last paycheck mailed to me within 3 business days in compliance with state law. After they declined to do so, I filed a wage claim with the Alaska Department of Labor. The Department of Labor estimated it might take up to two years to resolve the dispute. However, there is interest applied for every day they do not pay me.

I currently work part time at REDACTED in Palmer, AK for REDACTED plus tips.

I have severed all ties on facebook with Deborah Cannon and Cameron Spillers. Adam still has possession of my two cats Jaws and Maddy, who currently still reside at Deb’s house in Rochester, MN with her dog Reggie and cat Caroline.

I have absolutely nothing negative to say whatsoever about Deb or her family. (You may recall the debacles on this website involving “relationship statuses” and Rachel Witzke and Tiffany Bruenger.) I will simply summarize the situation by stating that Deb and I obviously had an infamously turbulent, complicated relationship. We broke up and got back together multiple times over the years. I honestly wish her no ill will. The same goes for Danna Klann, my ex who in October married one of my former managers.

Originally, I had planned to only live in Anchorage temporarily but I have decided to make Alaska my permanent home. Minnesota is where I was born and where the majority of my family resides so this was a very difficult decision to make. I will not be visiting for the holidays and do not know at this point when I will be able to visit my friends in the Lower 48.

I am currently considering two job possibilities, both of which are full time with health care and livable wages.

I currently juggle 3 pre-pay cell phones, all of which I will deactivate by New Years Eve. Once I have my new AT&T number, you will be the first to know. My contact info remains as follows:

Nathan Hall

645 G Street – Suite 651

Anchorage, AK 99501

natethenotsogreat@gmail.com

You know me, unable to resist jumping at the first flimsy excuse to reference "On Deadly Ground."

I have no idea what this is a picture of either. Join the club.

1. Andromeda – Return To Sanity
2. Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti – Round And Round
3. Black Sabbath – Symptom Of The Universe
4. Bruce Springsteen – Born To Run
5. Caribou – Eli
6. David Crosby – Traction In The Rain
7. Deftones – Diamond Eyes
8. Dropkick Murphy’s – The Fighting 69th
9. Free Energy – Light Love
10. Guilty Simpson – Outside
11. Janelle Monae – Dance Or Die
12. Jon Brion – Row
13. Jon Lajoie – 2 Girls 1 Cup
14. Laura Nyro – Luckie
15. LCD Soundsystem – Drunk Girls
16. OK GO – This Too Shall Pass
17. M.I.A. – Born Free
18. Melvins – The Water Glass
19. Sleigh Bells – Rill Rill
20. Tom Waits – What’s He Building In There?