What Everyone Else In The World Named Nathan Hall Is Up To

• 

  Being overly mean for no reason whatsoever is always funny.

• My hotel changed its name to some lame old dude (Kidding!)
• I got $30,000 in venture capital for my alternative fuel start up
• Had one of my best birthday parties ever in the junior high school parking lot
• Premiered my new epic sci-fi film at a couple festivals
• Finally passed the real estate exam
• Nominated for a shorty award, which is for short films hyped on Twitter rather than for parenting I assume
• Premiered my commissioned chamber ensemble piece

• 

  Sign fail

• Trying to find a tracer. And by tracer I mean inker and letterer.
• That graphic design degree is really starting to pay off. Nice, huh?
• Making some inroads on hate crime legislation in the UK
• Prayers still going unanswered in Danville, Kentucky
• Jewelry design show in Pittsburgh, PA was a smashing success
• Organizing the hiking club isn’t going so hot right now
• Found out the Cougar Board is not for M.I.L.F.’s sadly. It’s this lame message board for people asking dumb questions like “Hey, remember that successful Mormon athlete from Brigham Young? Did any of you have class with them?” Who the hell cares? On the positive side, apparently I’m considered humble and nice. So there’s that, which is nice.

• 

  Steven Soderbergh. 1996. "Schizopolis." Watch it.

• Apparently there is a special British table for watching stag films. If that wasn’t enough, there’s a business whose sole purpose is collecting and delivering said tables. How great is that?
• My child has gotten so lazy as of late that dad is now expected to help out with his school projects by posting stuff on the interweb tubez. Do you have to be that blatant about your cheating? Is that really necessary?
• Australian cook book is in the can.
• The paintings have really improved and t-shirt sales have never been better.
• Arrived back from combat operation in Afghanistan safe and sound. *Whew*
• Admit it: WWF-style wrestling is just soap opera for guys.
• Cleaned up at the science fair. Again. That’s right, I said it.

• 

  Screw you, this is still funny and you know it.

• Apparently Oceans 11 was “Scary Movie meets Sin City.” Are you just stringing  together random pop culture references at this point? Are you sure we watched the same movie? Are you drunk?
• Suicided myself in Ipswich, England where I use to teach high school English. Moved here recently from Canada.
• In Illawarra, Australia I led police on a 120 m.p.h. topping chase through the suburbs with my old high school chums. Good grief!

• 

  If an infinite number of monkeys are given an infinite number of URL's, eventually one of the monkeys will find http://www.shakespeare.com

Defending The Indefensible: More Unpopular Opinions

This post is proudly brought to you in part from our sponsors: TV On The Radio, Neko Case, Ghost Face Killah, All Is Love, Def Squad, C.R.S., Shearwater, Little Beaver, Tokyo Police Club, Scat Man John, Clinic, Of Montreal, Hot Chip, Grand Archives, Wilco, The Dream, Heart, Wu Tang Clan, Richard Hawley, P.J. Harvey, Feist, Dr. Dog, Mogwai, Walk Men, Eels, and Apples In Stereo.

Full disclosure: I have never seen the following films: W., Juno, Observe And Report, The Good German, Role Models, Super Bad, Friday Night Lights, The King Of Kong: A Fistful Of Quarters, Friday Night Lights, Fatal Attraction, South Land Tales, Burn After Reading, Reno 911: Miami, Tropic Thunder, There Will Be Blood, and Synecdoche, New York. And I only got half way through “Knocked Up” and “No Country For Old Men.”

I say that only because whenever I admit that at a party, everyone gets mad at me or doesn’t believe me or accuses me of being a bad person or starts yelling or whatever. Yes, yes, yes. I’m sure all of these films are amazing and I will love them and they are all definitely on my seemingly never-ending To Do List.  But I haven’t yet found the time to get around to it. I’ve been really busy lately. So sue me already.

Scientology: Still way worse than the Necronomicon and Communism combined.

A. The Seinfeld Non-Reunion Reunion On Curb Your Enthusiasm Was Too Meta For My Tastes

Post-post-post irony is a dead scene. Get over yourselves already.

B. Kill Face Is Not Consistently Funny, But He Definitely Has His Occasional Sparks Of Brilliance

Kill Face is a character from the Adult Swim show “Frisky Dingo.” In general, I have stopped defending Adult Swim’s programming to skeptics who deride it for trying too hard, immature, regurgitating tired pop culture references, too much “anime action,” etc. Because, frankly, sometimes that’s the truth. I have officially gave up on “Family Guy,” a once great show who’s own down-slide eerily mirrors the squandered fortunes of it’s chief partner in crime. That said, Kill Face’s bizarre non-sequiturs give me hope for the future.

C.  Mormons Should Watch “Big Love” Or At The Very Least Give It A Honest Try With An Open Mind

The thing that fascinates me about this polygamy drama is how surprisingly sympathetic it made me feel towards the LDS community. Because I couldn’t agree with them any less on any conceivable theological level. Also, for the first time the Brigham Young/John Smith set seem sexy. It strangely never occurred to me before that in order to produce such famously large families, everyone would have to become a borderline nymphomaniac.

D.  BBC’s “Missing Top Model” Is Probably Must See Appointment Television For Amputee Fetishists

Acrotomophilia. Body integrity identity disorder. Nuggets. Body dysmorphic disorder. Paraphilia. Whatever you want to call it: this televised  contest is essentially crossing Naomi Campbell with “Boxing Helena.”  Maybe no one else thought about the potential ramifications. Or perhaps some truly cynical souls are banking on it.

E. The Geico Caveman TV Program: Best. Show. About. Racism. Ever.

Who would have thought that a concept based on a series of forgettable insurance company commercials would be able to say more honest things about current U.S. race relations than anyone else has in years?  Perhaps that was the point after all. Just like how no one expects or notices when horror films take on weighty topics like bio-terrorism or consumerism or whatever.

F. NBC’s Ben Silverman Has The Creepiest, Most Annoying Laugh Of All Time

Three cheers for Craig Ferguson!

G. “Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip” Was Just As Good As “30 Rock” In It’s Own Unique Way

Aaron Sorkin has a lot to answer for. Being a crackhead, for example. And he’s no Larry Sanders. It wasn’t funny but neither was “The West Wing” and “Sports Night.” That’s not the point. Admit it: Liz Lemon (Tina Fey’s character on “30 Rock”) is now more or less a live action version of the “Cathy” comic strip. “Studio 60″ was a dramedy in the best possible sense of the word.

H. Adam Samberg Makes Me Laugh Sometimes And I Refuse To Apologize If And When It Happens.

"You telling me the man who try to put a rubber fist in my anus was a homosexual?"

“Dick In A Box” made me laugh. So did “Iran So Far.” That does not mean I’m stupid or sexist or homophobic or racist or whatever. Settle down. Even if Lonely Island or Sacha Baron Cohen isn’t “my kind of comedy” necessarily, I’m not going to outright dismiss it without even giving it a chance. Adam Samberg is definitely not “my people” but I am not going to pretend I didn’t think it was funny so everyone will think I’m cool. Shut up and stop pretending you’re not jealous when a rival succeeds more than yourself.

I. “Extras” Is Not Just Funny In Theory. Stop Smirking And Give It Another Chance. It Still Works.

David Bowie in a pub. The racist test. Arguing about time zones. Ian McKellan’s “Wizard! You shall not pass!” Ben Stiller the director. Every time I think I can predict what Ricky Gervais is going to say, he surprises me again. Amazing!

J. “I Love New York” Provides Irrefutable Proof That America Is In Fact The Great Satan. Who Knew?

If this is “reality,” then God help us all. As if “Flavor of Love” was too sophisticated for some discerning viewers. New York is proof that we as a collective whole deserve another terrorist attack if for nothing else than to thin out the herd a little bit for the good of mankind in general.

K. Nobody Should Ever Make Another Broadway Musical Ever Again For Any Reason Whatsoever.

Granted, Bob Dylan is a musician and “High Fidelity” is a book and movie about music. But the corresponding musicals they produced in supposed “tribute” to them provide irrefutable proof that Broadway deserves to die. Boo frikkin’ hoo.

L. “Pants Off Dance Off” Is The Future. In Other Words, There Is No Future.

I feel so dirty now. I will never be clean again, no matter how many showers I take. My soul hurts, my brain aches.

M. David Letterman Is Just As Hypocritical As Bill O’Reilly, Which Is Really Saying Something.

It is indeed true that Letterman seriously pwnd O’Reilly and that is in of itself admirable. Bill is full of crap and needs to be called on it every day for the rest of his life. The pirate costumes, the Who’s “Won’t Get Fooled Again;” I loved all of it, adored the whole thing start to finish. And Letterman’s writers had hands down some of the best jokes during the Culture Warrior’s Loofah-Gate Scandal. That said, I found Dave’s apologies for his own employee indiscretions to be contrite at best, oblivious at worst. It reminded me of a petulant 13-year-old who’s mad he got caught rather than sorry for having done something wrong. It wasn’t just adultery, it was an indirect abuse of power. Not on the same level as Bill’s harassment of course but he clouded the issue by focusing on the blackmailer and black mailing rather than, um, you know, the moral vulnerability/weakening that allowed him to get blackmailed in the first place. The easiest way out of adultery is to not get married in the first place. You can’t have a sex scandal if you’re single. But you can’t have it both ways: you have children now and you are a jerk for putting them and your wife through the wringer for something that wasn’t their fault. Oh yeah, by the way, Ferguson is funnier than you and has been for several years. So there.

N. Seriously, Why Can’t Everyone Just Leave Stephen A. Smith The Hell Alone? What’s Your Damage?

Hecklers are the lowest life form on the planet. Patent trolls deserve to live more than hecklers. Regardless of whether you disagree with him about the Kobe Bryant scandal or are annoyed with his delivery or like Dick Vitale better or whatever, what did he do to you personally? Let the man do his job. WTH?!?

Playing Catch Up Mix Tape Official Track Listing

1. Def Squad – Full Cooperation

2. TV On The Radio – Golden Age

3. CRS – Us Placers

4. Shearwater – Rooks

5. Ghost Face Killah – The Barrel Brothers

6. Little Beaver – Party Down

7. Love Is All – Wishing Well

8. Neko Case – People Got A Lotta Nerve

9. Tokyo Police Club – Your English Is Good

10. Scatman John – Scatman

11. Clinic – Children Of Kellogg

12. Of Montreal – Suffer For Fashion

13. Hot Chip – Ready For The Floor

14. Grand Archives – Sleepdriving

15. Wilco – You And I

16. The Dream – Walkin’ On The Moon

17. Heart – Magic Man

18. Wu Tang Clan – The Heart Gently Weeps

19. Richard Hawley – Just Like The Rain

20. P.J. Harvey – When Under Ether

21. Feist – My Moon, My Man

22. Dr. Dog – The Ark

23. Mogwai – Batcat

24. Walk Men – In The New Year

25. Eels – Trouble With Dreams

26. Apples In Stereo – Energy

Eskimo-in-igloo thermal with Ugg's in public: 1 Rachel Bilson: -10

P.S.

Recommended Daily Allowance Of Awesome Sauce: (DVDS) The Lives Of Others, The Wind That Shakes The Barley, Sugar, City Of Men, Lemming, Pan’s Labyrinth. (Documentaries) I Am An Animal, God Grew Tired Of Us, My Kid Could Paint That, Nimrod Nation, Where In The World Is Osama Bin Laden?, When The Levees Broke, At The Death House Door, The Black List, Religulous.

More Sax In Your Violins: Nathan Hall Explains It All

John Deere Tractor Product Placement Fail

Were You Aware Of It? The largest investment fraud in Wall Street history was as we all know perpetuated by the former Chairman of the NASDAQ stock exchange. But what most people don’t realize is that Bernard Madoff’s Ponzi scheme was the indirect result of, ummm, inadequacy issues! Freudian theory FTW!

Fact! Director Alexander Payne of “Citizen Ruth” and “Election” fame’s latest project is HBO’s “Hung.” The new show tells the heartwarming story of a washed out high school sports basketball legend trying to juggle two part time jobs: sports coach and gigolo. As you can probably surmise from the title, the program focuses hella more on the hookin’ and not so much on the jump shot drills per se.  I’m going to keep an open mind about this one since Payne has already accomplished the impossible before: making me care about wine.

Did you know? Thankfully cooler heads prevailed in the end and plans for Topps “Watchmen” trading cards were ultimately shelved shortly before the film was released. Wrapped in cellophane with bubble gum inside, the original idea was for the cards to ultimately form a puzzle which pictured the original Giant Alien Squid Destroying New York City ending. But somehow, someway, official Dr. Manhattan condoms were given the go ahead in its stead. This is wrong on like 37 different levels.

Whodofthunkit? The new Sam Rockwell/Kevin Spacey flick “Moon” is directed by David Bowie’s son Duncan. Which is of course a perfect fit considering his dad’s famous obsession with all things space travel related. I really want to see this because it looks like an unholy mash-up of “Silent Running” and “Mystery Science Theatre 3000.” Well, without a Joan Baez soundtrack and any jokes whatsoever. Er, never mind.

Item! Lars Von Trier (Dancer In The Dark) has teamed up with Willem Dafoe (Spider-Man) and Charlotte “I’m Serge’s Daughter” Gainsbourg for what looks like the feel good rom com hit of the decade: Antichrist! Peep this: the plot concerns a couple who lose their young son when he falls out of a window while they have sex in the other room. Hilarious, right? But wait, it gets better! The husband is a therapist who’s writing a thesis paper on genocide. Hubby decides post-funeral this would be a great excuse to head out to the cabin for a little weekend R&R. And before you know it, they run into some wild and wacky animal antics like a still-born deer calf and a self-disembowling fox. Uh oh! Spoiler Alert! So, naturally, the wife blames himself for her son’s death and becomes convinced all women are inherently evil. I don’t wanna give the whole thing away, but let’s just say you’ll never think about crushing a man’s genitals with a block of wood the same way ever again! Or drilling a hole in someone’s calf in order to bolt a millstone to their leg, for that matter. Oh, I almost forgot! The widower beats a crow and buries it alive while the widow performs an amateur clitorectodomy on herself. So, if you like a lot of wife strangling and funeral pyres and animalist religion, then have I got the perfect date night/family event for you! I recommend you watch it together with someone you want to murder.  *sigh*

This just in! The inevitable re-makes of “The Prisoner” and “V” are out now and I was pleasantly surprised that nothing was permanently ruined in the process. (For you younguns out there, “V” has nothing do with “V For Vendetta” in any way, shape or form.) What I truly love about stories like “The Prisoner” is that much like any classic timeless epic (Lord Of The Rings, Star Wars, Chronicles Of Narnia, His Dark Materials, etc.) conservatives and liberals alike identify with it. Both sides of the political/philosophical coin take completely different things away from the same identical package. That, to me at least, is the mark of truly great writing. This is love, as the kids say nowadays.

Finally, I will leave you with the role Tracy Morgan’s obituary is most likely to skip over: Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!

Drinking, Smoking, Adultery and Being An A-Hole: It's what I do best.

Guitar face or ‘O’ sex face? You be the judge!

“Who says I can’t get stoned?

Call up a girl that I used to know

Fake love for an hour or so

Who says I can’t get stoned?”

—John Mayer, “Who Says”

Stevie Ray Vaughn is dead, yet John Mayer still lives. Why, God, why?

I am far from the first person to comment on the creeper expressions John Mayer displays mid-solo. But that doesn’t mean it’s not still funny as hell.

My muse? Throwaway sex, weed and Steve McQueen retrospectives.

But it’s obviously more than that. I hate John Mayer with the unquenchable fire of a thousand burning suns. To describe his new album “Battle Studies” as easy listening is an insult to the genre. I suppose you could say this was the best album of the year if you are an indulgent tool who thinks it’s about time men were more honest about how they really think and feel. And by honest I mean utterly disgusting and wholly reprehensible by every quantifiable measure.

Guitar face: Putting the "adult" back in adult contemporary music

The next logical progression after HotChicksEatingTacos.com

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: Hot Chicks Picking Up Dog Shit!

Still Better Than HotChicksWithNoEyebrows.com

Honestly, I’m envious of these geniuses because they also somehow possessed the foresight to purchase the domain names hotchickswithfistsintheirmouth, hotchickssmilingatgroundzero, hotchicksplungingtheirtoilet, hotchickswithhotdogsintheirmouths and, naturally, hotchickswithdogswithboners.

I realize this makes me a bad person, but I just can’t stop laughing at these. Blatant misogyny aside, of course.

Straight Palin’ i.e. Pulling A Sarah Palin

Must Not See TV

One of the first cliches they teach you to rid yourself of at all costs in Journalism 101 is to never begin a column with the dictionary definition of a word. It’s hack, it’s played out and almost as unoriginal as opening with a quote from Bartlett’s.

That said, I would be remiss not to start things off by pointing out that I commented to co-workers at the bookstore I work at that “going rogue” would make an ideal sexual euphemism. Yep, you guessed it: somebody else already stepped on my punchline.

As I’ve stated before in previous posts, I work selling books and coffee for a chain that rhymes with Barnes & Noble. (Shhh!) One of the many curious things that happened the day Sarah Palin’s biography was released was that we got a call or two about two separate parodies with the same title: “Going Rouge.” One is a coloring book, one is not. Both look hilarious in their own right; great title either way. What made this interesting to me personally is that it was impossible for us to order these books. One might even go so far as to posit this was done on purpose.

Which isn’t that paranoid a thought to think, believe it or not. After all, this is sadly not a tactic even confined to the right wing side of the political spectrum. I distinctly recall not being able to place any orders for Al Franken backstock after he secured the DFL nomination for Minnesota Senator. Being a fan of Franken’s comedy, this was more than a tad disheartening. That is the sort of cowardly behavior I would expect of pathetic Ann Coulter types.

And speaking of complete idiots, I wrestle now with the notion that even discussing Sarah Palin gives her more legitimacy than she actually deserves. Like my Mom always said: if you ignore them long enough they’ll leave you alone. After all, that’s the same rationale Richard Dawkins and Stephen Jay Gould employed by making the formal decision to never formally debate a creationist/intelligent designer. The more attention is paid to Palin, the more it appears she has something valid to contribute to political discourse. And IMOHO, she simply doesn’t have what it takes for heavy intellectual lifting.

But upon serious reflection, this is simply too juicy to ignore. The comedic possibilities are literally endless. It gets better every day. I’d stop just short of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson’s famous proclamation that it’s “better than sex.” Certainly not better than “going rogue.”

*rimshot*

I am he as you are he as you are me

It’s like you’re standing outside a fancy steakhouse just staring into the window, hungrily licking your chops while holding a pink slip and the personification of everything you believe is wrong with America offers you their leftovers. What’s a man to do, provided he’s not a vegetarian of course?  And where the hell is this nonsensical metaphor heading, you may ask? It’s leading you to news that the same man responsible for a quickie Palin election season parody helped edit her book. I mean, c’mon people! How in the Sam Hell did that happen? And why was I not contacted first? *sigh*

Now I realize it’s 100% unfair to automatically assume that if some of the people responsible for the book happening are unapologetic racists, that makes the Palin constituency automatically closet racists by proxy. That’s not the claim I’m trying to make here, not in the least. Hell, I’m sure a certain amount of hard core racists held their nose and voted for Barack Obama last November.  But the amount of backpedaling and censoring and video-taking-down and lawsuit-filing and such does make you wonder if these nagging allegations are substantive after all.

Credit DitchWalk for asking the question no one else seems to have the necessary cojones to ask: did Palin actually write any of this? Seriously, aside from submitting all the gory hunting party photos she happily posed in, what credit can she take for any of this?

Who cares, right? We’re pretty sure Teri Hatcher wrote hers and anything is better than that. I’d rather plod through Japanese stereo instructions than suffer through that that festering bowl of dog snot.

Wrong. Dead wrong with your Devil’s Advocate argument, dude.

It cheapens the definition of “truthiness” but that’s a boring barroom philosopher exercise. More importantly, it cheapens what I’m doing right now: writing.  The reason why my Journalism degree is worthless, the reason why the media industry has all but collapsed, the reason why I work 5 part time jobs without health care…it’s all because nobody’s figured out how to get paid to write after the Interweb Tubez up and changed the game. (With the noticeable exception of Vice.) If you say writing doesn’t count, it won’t count. If you say writing is a more of a hobby than a “real” job, than it will stay a hobby. If you believe writing doesn’t matter, it won’t matter. And where does that get us as a culture? Writing blogs no one reads, just another lonely dreamer’s voice in the wilderness that will never properly be heard.

Wow, that got a lot heavier than I originally intended. Sorry about that, everybody.

Schizopolis 4-Evah

Per usual, FunnyOrDie is THE clearinghouse to visit if you really want to beat a dead meme horse into the ground with a minimal amount of effort. My three current favorite Palin parodies are as follows:

1. Pageant tape with snarky MST3K commentary.
2. The Sarah Palin Show, with very special guest Sarah Palin. Only on Fox!
3. Godwin’s Law states, as we all hopefully know by now, that any position of strength is immediately negated the nanosecond you play the Hitler card. However, this sly spoof on the amazing-in-it’s-own-right 2004 German film “Downfall” is for the win, as the kids say nowadays.

No, I'm Spartacus!

In other news: the rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated. Also, apparently treating white kids like they are black kids works about as well as asking men to pretend to feel what it’s like to be a woman. Let’s see, what else? Oh yeah, my bio-fuels project is apparently moving along swimmingly. And in case you were looking for inarguably the worst commercial of all time, I already went to the trouble of finding it for you so you didn’t have to. But hey, things could always be worse: you could have gotten called onto the carpet to explain why exactly you green-lighted this bad boy to everyone in corporate.

This just in: Kanye West is a gay fish. Which is way better than Mormon vampire teen romance novels any old day of the week.

I’m out like Seacrest.

While You Were Sleeping (Another List About Lists)

Is my face red?

1. Rachel A. Witzke gets props for letting me know about what’s the best argument yet for why the Shakers may have had the right idea all along about sex.

2. The Moon Goons are from Minnesota and they make dance music. Don’t let either of those things stop you from listening to them because they are an extra side of awesome sauce and then some.

3. Yes, of course I realize Halloween is longover. But I don’t like Thanksgiving or Christmas or New Years. How do I put it?  Those other inferior holidays just aren’t doomy enough for my tastes.

4. By far, this is the most authoritative history of Christian stand up comedy I have ever come across. Granted, it’s not written by a believer so I admit there is an inherent I-work-at-a-snarky-independent-radio-station-in-New-York bias. However, regardless of your religious persuasion, this is a fascinating and well-researched article. Coming from the perspective of someone who reads A WHOLE LOT about Christian pop culture and stand up comedy, even I learned a lot. I own some of these records, so it was cool to find out someone else on the planet did too. Plus, it’s funny as hell. Whoops! Sorry, my bad.

5.  Another well-done essay about comics penned by someone who is currently doing it for a living. I stumbled across this old piece because the title shares the same name of this blog.  Vince Martin,  in addition to being hilarious, says so many things better than I ever could that I’m kind of getting jealous even thinking about it. God damn it! There I go again…

6. Director Kevin Smith gets interviewed all the time. Which makes sense, he’s a great story teller and his wife was at least at one time a reporter for “USA Today.” (Not sure if she still is after she had the kids.) Anyhoo, I’ve skimmed a ton because I’m a fan but for some reason this one stood out above the others. What I like about this particular chat the most is that, as always, he is more than helpful about going over the nitty gritty about what it takes to get an independent film done. The unglamorous stuff you go through to make another one after that. More than almost any other person I’ve heard of who’s now in the studio system, Smith is always willing to give pointers to show novices what to do and give breaks to whoever wants and genuinely deserves one. In other words, he’s not afraid of competition. If you make a better movie than him, great! The more the merrier. Bring it on and show me what ya got! So many industries, like medicine or engineering for example, go out of their way to discourage competition and make their clubs as exclusive as humanly possible. He almost, and almost being the operative word here, makes you optimistic that meritocracy can and will trump Hollywood nepotism.

7. If you’re thinking of watching the PG-13 horror film “The Unborn,” don’t. It’s a big mistake and don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. Okay, first off, PG-13 horror with a few notable exceptions is a contradiction in terms. I’m not saying you can’t make a good PG-13 psychological suspense film but that’s a whole other kettle of fish than a scary movie. That’s different. That’s supposed to be for adults so it’s okay for adults to watch adult things happen. PG-13 movies are for kids or other groups of people who can’t psychologically handle being really frightened. End. Of. Story. Second of all, “The Unborn” would have sucked with an “R” or an “NC-17″ or an “X.” Now, extended preface aside, it did make me want to learn more about vanishing twins and Josef Mengele. Specifically Dr. Mengele’s twin experiments. Ok, here’s a for-example: supposedly some people now believe that when Mengele was on the lam in Brazil, he managed to perfect the ability to cause women to give birth to twins. According to legend, the town he hid out in now has to this very day one of the largest amounts of twin per capita in the world. And, because we’re talking about the Angel of Death here, he did all of this pregnancy manipulation unbeknownst to the women he was checking up on. I mean…that right there is TOTALLY MESSED UP! Whether it’s true or not is beside the point: that would make an AWESOME R-rated horror flick right there. Too bad no one has.

8. I wanted all of my friends to know that Mike Toft, a cartoonist I have known and worked with for the last couple of years, finally put up a site for a great little comic he’s been toiling away called Brain Food. Mike is a really cool guy and I’m always psyched whenever a new issue hits my mailbox. So please go spread some love his way if you get a sec as I’m sure he would totally appreciate that sort of thing.

9. I’ve been listening to the Avett Brothers this afternoon while I typed this up. My favorite song of theirs thus far is “Colorshow.” It’s totally boss, as the kids used to say.

It Wasn’t Me!

It would appear to be the case that whenever someone with my admittedly common Christian name does something admirable and newsworthy, almost immediately someone else with my name feels compelled to do something  idiotic and noteworthy.

Teh Internetz>Interweb

Exhibit A: Nathan Hall successfully survived two tours of duty in Iraq while serving with the South Dakota National Guard.

Exhibit B and C: Nathan Hall arrested for gang activity and selling weed to pay off…wait for it…his weed bill.

/Face palm

Verdict: D-Bag!

"Faux hawks: anarchy without the commitment." - Mike Brody

The Top 10 Of Top Ten’s

You Never Know Where The King Will Show Up Next

10. How Rorschach learned the true meaning of Christmas. It’s a holiday miracle!

9.  This is gonna hurt my Internets rep, I just know it.

8.  For the School Of Americas Instructor who has literally everything.

7. And to think I once thought that my high school career aptitude test results stated I’d be best suited for undertaker or taxidermist. My theory is I botched the attitude questions accidentally when they gave us a break half way through and I loaded up on Peanut M& M’s and Dr. Pepper. It put me in a better mood than the first half in the morning when I didn’t have any caffeine in my system yet. That’s like 2 different people taking the same test – of course the answers didn’t make any sense at all! And speaking of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde…

6. …this has to be the only thing worse than Julia Robert’s fluctuating accents in Mary Reilly.

5. Hardest game ever? (Pun fully intended, emphasis mine.)

4.  Xeni Jardin, you were the B.A.M.F. reporter I wish I had been, the one I never will even hope to be. You are my intellectual dream woman. Consider yourself hearted. (BTW, if she and Rachel Maddow ever kiss, that’s gonna be my screensaver wallpaper until I dizzie.)

3. This is my jam. This is my anthem. This is the touch, the feel of cotton. This is the fabric of my life. Mr. Narrator, this is Bob Dylan to me.

2. Desperate for last minute racially-intolerant Halloween costume ideas? Done and done.

1. My favorite horror author of all time is H.P. Lovecraft. (Re-Animator, et al) Tragically, unlike the equally great Clive Barker and Stephen King, he’s never been given the definitive celluloid treatment he so richly deserves. Two sites have semi-recently contributed excellent essays on this subject, namely Evil On Two Legs and Helium. Also, I fully realize it’s rumored that Guillermo del Toro is attached to essentially every upcoming movie in the entire frikkin’ world at the moment, but I’m still uber-excited that he might get to re-make “At The Mountains Of Madness” after all.